I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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