I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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