i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
