i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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