went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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