when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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