Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
