I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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