whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
