I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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