i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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