Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
