The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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