It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
