And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
