i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
