Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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