bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
