im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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