It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
