I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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