Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
