he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
