Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
