I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
