If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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