Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
