Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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