I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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