That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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