Please, let me fuck your mom
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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