Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
