are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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