I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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