I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
