nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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