paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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