Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I love having hate sex.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
