Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
