dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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