Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
