i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize