Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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