first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
