Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
