your parents love me but you hate me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
