I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
