the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I need moral support for this bender
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
