Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
