oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
